Suicide notes
by VampireFreak
Summary: Harry has been lonely and unhappy it has led him to his own self hate and distruction he lets out his pain through his writing. His writing which others read. They read the suicide notes of the mysterious writter...
1. chapter one

Disclaimer - The characters belong to JkR

A/n I know I should be concentrating on my other fics -sighs- but this has been on my laptop a while and I really like it. Don't really know what other people will think so give me a review. Enjoy!

(Just so you know all the italics are either writing or in italics are thoughts. )

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**Chapter one - The tale of the freak and the man**

_The rain. Forever falling on me. Can't stop it. The cloud. It follows me. The cloud of darkness that won't leave me. The one over me. It won't go. It's been there forever. The rain that has fallen from the clouds drowns me in a river. A river, which is mingled with the tears, I have shed. The tears. Those tears that have been washed away in my river of despair. The pain, despair, anger, hurt, betrayal. These things I have come to rely on. The blood. The knife edge. The death of me. I can live in peace away from the world and embrace death. I die with the salt tasting tears on my lips and the crimson blood down my wrists._

_I will be free_

--

Not many... well actually no one knew Harry Potters pain. The weight of the world on his shoulders. The betrayal of Dumbledore, his friends and even of the professors... Harry had unfortunately become very talented at Occlumency. He had even become powerful enough at it to overthrow even Dumbledore's mind. He now wished he hadn't. All he had known had been a lie. His friends were bribed to be his friends. Called a meeting before they had even joined the school to make sure Harry stayed clear of any dark magic. Hagrid and Ron had been told to make sure Harry knew of Voldermort and that they should tell him about Slytherin and make sure Harry didn't want to go into the snake pit. Ron had been paid to be his friend. Enough money to last him a good few years. Hermione he had found out wasn't even a muggleborn. She was actually from a pureblood family and was paid to keep Harry's studies up to date and so when Slytherin's insulted her bad blood Harry would jump to the rescue making sure Harry hated the snakes more and more. Harry had found he had been manipulated into who he was.

There was worse in the depths of Dumbldore's mind though. Lily and James Potter were not real. His parents the ones he had heard so much about. They were fictional. People had man made memories of the two, none of which were real. The photos. Metamorphamagus' paid to look like his parents. They used Harry's image and pulled out different features. He himself had pulled out of Dumbledore's mind even though he was curious to know his real parents but before he left his mind... Sirius. Not real. Dumbledore placed him into the world. He was in fact the same Metamorphamagus as his father had been. The death of Sirius was where he had become in a world of pain. The pain had been the only thing he could control. The knife. The one his supposed godfather had given him. The relief. Something in the world was real. His life had been wrapped up in a world of pain. Many scars across his body. The littered his body each scar having it's own tale to tell. Some were not mere scars even. The scars made out words and pictures. 'FREAK' the word he related to most. That was all he was. He had realised in his 4th year. After the tournament. That's when the first scars started. That was when 'FREAK' had been carved into his skin. Harry knew the truth now. He had no one and he was alone in the world.

Harry didn't actually turn up to school in his 6th year. He had been collected after a month of course. He hadn't wanted to face the wizarding world; he was just a freak, a whore and death. He brought death. He realised now that the only death he had caused was Cedric's but this didn't help the guilt. The guilt surrounded him. Surrounded him like the pain. It was inescapable but with his new found pain he didn't care.

_--_

_I'll tell you the tale of the freak and the man. The freak, that being me, is just what I said. A freak. A wizard with powers beyond imagination. Well what was that to the man? Not a lot. Just something more to add to the freakishness of me. A while ago I didn't agree with the statement 'you are a freak' going in my direction. I did not argue though. Would you argue with someone ten times your size? While my uncle, the man, is pretty big I'm very short and skinny. This of course is not due to the exercise I do or the fact I am ill. It is actually due to the lack of food I am given and the cramp cupboard under the stairs in which I lived up until my eleventh birthday, which in fact by my family had been forgotten so the birthday comment really does not mean much. That and the amount of chores I get given to do. On a normal day in the holidays it starts with breakfast followed by washing and drying up followed by cleaning the house doing general dusting hovering and such while my uncle was at work or playing golf or with some new client for the business my aunt goes out to enjoy herself and my whale sized cousin who eats my share of the food is at school or out with his mates on the weekend. Then when my aunt comes home I make her lunch and then clean the bathroom wash my aunt's car and finally do the gardening. My uncle and cousin come home and I make a large dinner for them. Then I wash my uncle's car. Then when I was at school I wasn't allowed these sorts of privileges. Nope I had to do them all before and after school and work though the night. Good thing I'm not a good sleeper really. Not bad for a day's slavery... uhh I meant work. Of course this is getting off the subject. Well I used to disagree with the statement but now I can only agree. What they said was true. I told him once, my uncle that is, that I too agreed that I was nothing but a freak. He just laughed and told me if I thought that would get me out of doing the housework I was wrong. I didn't expect to have to stop the housework. He never let me stop working... Well that is if he wasn't either blind drunk, which happened quiet often, or if he was very angry about something, which also seemed to happen a lot. In these times I had to put up with things even worse than the chores. I went through beatings and rape. They had started at a young age. I do not recall when they had first started. I do not remember a time without them. I became shy and spoke to no one. I stayed away from the crowds. I was bullied. People thought it would be fun. I was too small to help myself. Mostly I was in too much pain to do anything but feel more pain. The beatings did not stop while I was at school. My clothing, overly huge hand me downs from my cousin, covered the bruises and the scars. My uncle was smart enough never to hit me in the face. I gave up on my dream of someone noticing and taking me away from the place I had to call home. I now know I deserved it. I have killed someone a few years ago. Well maybe not me but I had caused his death. 'Kill the spare' that's what the dark lord had said. This being after I had said to the boy 'let's win together' him and me picked up the cup to only meet his death. It was my fault. I knew from that day what I was. A freak. A freak that caused death to anyone who came near me. I had got back to the house. The one where I grew up. I stared up at it a moment tears building. I had closed my eyes. I remember that day. There was so much blood. My blood. That had been the first time. The first of many. 'F,' it didn't feel bad at all. The crimson of blood, it tickled. Tingles went up my spine and I knew it was right. 'R,' it didn't hurt like I'd expected it to. It just felt good. I felt like I was flying away from the world I knew into my own world. 'E,' my cuts grew deeper. I liked it. My arm blood red. I didn't care. 'A,' it was becoming difficult I was feeling tired. I had heard this would happen from somewhere. The blood loss. My mind was blank though. I remember I'd heard it from some girl in the library talking about her cutting to some guy. I thought it had been ridiculous then but when I had done it myself I knew why he had been doing it himself. 'K,' the final letter in my cuts. I wasn't so happy with this cut I remember. It was scratchy. I didn't have the strength to hold the knife to make deep cuts but I had needed to finish this. 'FREAK' there it was spelt out on my own arm. It was true. I believed it. Still do. I fell into sleep and was found by my uncle. Well of course he was not best pleased. He let me bathe in the bathtub fifteen minuets to wash off the dried blood. It was the most time I had ever been allowed. Normally it was either a two-minuet shower or a five-minuet bath on rare occasions of course the water was boiling or freezing the two painful extremes. I didn't care. I had wished for death and God had denied it. He has every other time I've tried. My uncle was only sympathetic that once. I think he'd admired the word I had written. Freak. He'd always told me and he now knew I believed him too. He has never lied. I'm a whore. I'm a freak and I am worthless. I am no one. Now you have read about the freak and the man I shall leave you in wonder about who I could possibly be. That is if anyone finds this. You may even find me dead by this very account. I highly doubt it. God hates me. He has never smiled upon me only frowned and for that I hate him._

--

A crowd stood around one girl. Lavender Brown. She had been the one to find the account. Many people had found them and many people liked to read what this unknown person would write. Mostly it was something to do with stories when the boy was younger. The stories of his rapes and beatings, the stories of his suicides. Everyone knew these accounts. They were for some reminders that their lives were not so bad. To others they had just fallen in love with the mystery persons writing. Harry watched Lavender reading the account before his latest attempt for death. It had failed much like the rest had.

"Oh God..." People hurried to her. Parvati hugged her friend for support. Harry knew his writing effected many people. Lavender was one of the many who admired it. She in fact was collecting his work. She had a folder of all the work. She planned on working out who the mystery writer was. Harry knew this as she spoke so passionately about it. Harry had never actually meant to start leaving them around. Originally he had just forgotten a couple and when it got round about this writer people waited for more to come. Harry for a long time thought them heartless. It was then he realised that they thought that these things only stories. Made up. He understood then. Of course these were not just stories every one of his accounts have been based on truth. Every one had been written after he'd just slashed his body open. Every one of them he had poured his heart into. "He has never lied. I'm a whore. I'm a freak and I am worthless. I am no one. Now you have read about the freak and the man I shall leave you in wonder about who I could possibly be. That is if anyone finds this. You may even find me dead by this very account. I highly doubt it. God hates me. He has never smiled upon me only frowned and for that I hate him." Tears poured down her cheeks. "How could anyone think that!?" She rushed away sobbing. Harry watched around him. A tearful Hermione sniffled while Ron hugged her. The two had become an item. This pushed Harry to the side slightly. He didn't care though he was alone. Being alone helped him think it gave him time to cut and it made him less noticeable to the pair. They would worry about him if they knew. Parvati herself tearful followed her friend. Several girls were in tears and even a couple of guys were. Ron Harry noticed when he looked back had his eyes full of tears. Harry felt the guilt inside him. It went around him and surrounded him like a blanket. Harry looked up at the Slytherins'. He felt the tight blanket that was smothering him loosen. They were all in fits watching the rest of the houses. Harry watched them. How they laughed at others pain. He had no idea why the sorting hat had wanted him in Slytherin. He would never have fitted there. Then again Harry belonged no where. 

--

Draco watched the girl. She was crying at the words she spoke. The words of a mystery writer. He himself wanted to cry for the author but he had no wish to be teased by his fellow Slytherins'. He could tell from the words written that the accounts were no mere stories, this was real. Real life experiences. He could tell from the emotion in the writing that they had become suicidal and depressed. Anyone could see that. Draco had a desire to find out who the writer was. He laughed along with the rest of the Slytherins' but while doing so he searched. He watched The Weasel and Granger hugging both in tears. The weaselette on the floor hugging her knees. Draco knew that that was a typical 'I'm scarred and unhappy' look. He knew that she just wanted attention though. Her arms bare and showing no scars. The person writing this would have worn long sleeves even if there were some sort of concealing spell on it in case it wore out. His eyes trailed to Neville who stood around with no tears. He was one of the few. Draco knew however that he lived with his Grandmother and not his uncle aunt and cousin. In Draco's mind he went back through the account. Words trailed through his mind going back into what was said. 'Lets win together' and 'the dark Lord.' That's when it fit into his mind. He quickly spun around trying to find the green-eyed boy he suspected to be the mystery author. Harry Potter was no where to been seen.

--

Harry crept away from the scene. He'd caused this pain. People crying, pitying him. He hated it. He knew that he wrote these for himself mostly and had no clue to why he now left them around for others to read. /_You want their pity./_ He didn't know where that had come from. He wanted no ones pity. /_You want someone to understand./ _This however was true. He wished no one had been through what he had of course but it didn't stop him wanting someone who understood. He knew there wouldn't be anyone. The quill the one he always used to write his stories was found in his pocket. He was tempted to write more. Then again he didn't really want that. He just wanted to hurt. This quill the one he had stolen from Umbridge. The quill that marks your skin to write in blood. He felt safe with it but felt he should not write again merely cut. He pulled out the knife. The one he had pulled out so many times. He rolled up his overly big jeans and pulled the knife across his legs. The pain. He controlled it. It was in his power. He didn't realise until the final cut what he had written. 'LOVE.' A slash went through it. Yes he was never meant to love. He pulled up the sleeves of his shirt to see his pale arms. He closed his eyes a moment and the charm was taken off. Scars appeared on them. 'FREAK' boldly shown. The scars from his last tale.

--

Draco looked around for a moment longer when he saw him. Rushing away from the crying crowds. Draco followed. The boy ahead ran. Draco quickened his pace. He followed Harry to a small clearing. Draco hid in a bush only a few metres away. Harry didn't notice. Draco watched Harry pull a quill from his pocket. It was oddly familiar. He watched the knife come out. He watched the word. 'L' Draco gasped slightly. He had never seen someone intentionally hurt themselves. 'O' Draco shook. He had to admit he was scared for the boy. 'V' Draco could barely watch. 'E' Draco watched Harry's face. Eyes closed in concentration. A line going straight through all four letters. Draco continued watching Harry. Harry looked confused a moment. Then a small ghostly smile reached his lips. Draco watched as Harry pulled up the sleeves of his shirt and scars appeared over his skin. Draco knew his theory was write. Harry Potter was the mystery writer.

--

Harry looked up suddenly spotting Draco. Quickly he pulled down his sleeves and jean leg he hoped Draco had seen nothing. His eyes darkened and narrowed. Dull green eyes met the grey of Draco's own. Harry took his eyes away first. He couldn't look. Draco moved towards Harry. Draco placed a hand on Harry's face. Harry flinched. Draco could have cried. Draco pulled Harry's face up. Harry tired looking away from Draco's face but found it hard. He looked up at Draco. He was scared. He was sure Draco was about to hurt him. When Draco looked at Harry he saw the fear. Harry waited for the moment when he could escape. Draco watched tears fall down Harry's cheeks.

"Please don't. Please." Harry begged. He couldn't cope with more beatings and rape. He felt sure this is what Draco was coming here to do. Draco put his arms around Harry hugging the smaller boy. Harry stayed tense and alert. Draco stroked Harry's hair hoping to calm the boy. It didn't work.

"Harry, I may have never cared in the past but how could I have known this is what you were going through? I want to help. Please let me help you." Harry shook his head. "You can't cope on your own." Draco pulled the sleeves up of Harry's shirt. "Freak? That's what you believe. You are no freak Harry." Harry finally managed to escape the arms of Draco Malfoy.

"You do not know me." Harry looked into Draco's eyes once again. "Forget this." Draco slumped down into sleep. Yes Harry had become powerful.


	2. chapter two

Harry ran. Ran from the boy who had just discovered his secret. Well now he hadn't. The spell. Just a simple spell to keep Draco from remembering. Hopefully it would stay that way. No one could know it was him who was the author. He had to be secretive about it. No one could know how weak the boy who lived really was. He was supposed to be a saviour not just someone who wanted to die. Not as though he ever could. For some reason he could never be killed. Just like when Voldermort had tried. Nothing could kill him. Not even himself it would seem. Harry wanted to die though. For now though he had a saviour. His pain. His leg ached but he no longer cared for how he felt. Why would he? He liked the pain he liked the dark he liked to be alone with his pain but sometimes he just wished for someone. He looked up to the sky and wished. Wished for someone to understand or for his own death. For things to be over. He wished that Voldermort wouldn't be around to constantly try to kill him and wished his life was not controlled, but strangely the thing he wished for most was to return to the Dursleys' to go there and live through the pain he lived for.

--

Draco woke up in a clearing in the forest. It was late. He checked the time. One in the morning. He had no idea how he had gotten there. It seemed familiar somehow but he couldn't put his finger on where he knew it from. He shrugged got up and headed towards where he could see the castle above the trees. /_Bet Potter did something to me! Stupid prat he is./_ Draco had a strange sensation when he thought of Potter. He felt like he should remember something. He also felt his heart hurt almost like he'd just been stabbed through it. Just like heartbreak. Draco merely shook his head and went on his way down into the depths of the Slytherin dungeons.

--

_I nice treat for you all the tale of a child the tale of a child growing up a tale through his childhood. A tale where his childhood was wasted with dreams of being happy. A wasted childhood. A freak of a child forced to become a freak of a adult in such a short time. Yes I a sixteen year old boy believes that I am truly a man. Not because of my age but because of what I've been through. The first time I believed myself to be a man was when I was eight after being raped. The rape however was not the reason for why I thought myself to be a man. No the reason were the words spoken. A few words turned me into a man. 'You filthy man whore just like your father. A freak of nature. I should put you in the circus you could be in the freak show. As the man whore freak. He did it once you know just over a month I was left in a cadge to rot as the freak. You see as a child I could magically heal myself after beatings and rapes, not that I knew I was doing this but still, anyway they would beat me and people paid to watch me heal myself. A whole month in a cadge. I was treated no better than an animal. People paid to rape me. That was the worst, then again people paid to watch the rape. I could never watch any man or woman being stripped of their dignity but I had it done to me several times a day in a freak show. People paid... children paid, paid to watch my pain. You obviously think I am lying right now so I shall stop but I assure you now that my tales are true. Those who do not believe you obviously have never been through such treatment and for that I am happy. I wish this life on no one. Not even the worst people in the world not even the man who must not be named should go through this although I know that man has. Do not wonder why for you will not find out during my tales. For these are my tales and he should not have his own throughout mine..._

_--_

Lavender read this like all the other accounts as always the tears littered her face. The memories of her own terrible past haunted her. Her own memories which seemed so much like the boys.

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A/n well I shortened it as long chapters end up with long annoying paragraphs! Anyways hope you enjoyed please do review!!

Thanks to my reviewers!

Gryffindorgrl86- I'll make sure it's a happy ending although it'll take some time!!

HollieJE- Thanks hunni!! Love you!! xXx

QueenNarca- You shall find out soon enough! I lengthened the chapters and made them into more chapters so you're going to have to wait longer!! Mwhahaha :P

Tamyka- I don't really know what changed it just came into my head in one of my many daydreams... and uhh yea I do but I don't really think that matters too much.

DemonRogue13- I sure hope it'll be interesting!

helen27- Thank you :)

Goddess of Gorgeousness- close to tears? Awww! -cuggles-

grin- I know I need a beta I just haven't got round to it! The note idea is something my friend does writes down everything that bothers her. I started doing it too but no way near as much as she does!!


	3. chapter three

Lavender read through all the accounts over and over. She knew some of these feelings. Her father... he had been an alcoholic. Well had been was a stupid way of putting it. He still was. Her and her sister were beaten and raped much like the person who wrote these very accounts that she held. Whoever it was didn't mention magic in the family but then again her own father was a wizard and never used one spell on her. She guessed that it wouldn't make much difference. Lavender looked at the last account found the one she had read the one that had made her weep. The first few lines. She noted that the family was muggles. Lavender found herself becoming more and more in need of knowing who this person was. It had in fact stopped her cutting so much. She had never gone to the lengths of trying to kill herself like the mystery writer had but finding out who he was, was keeping her from causing herself to cut. Stopped her feeling her own pain but feeling his instead. Many did not realise that the writer was male but it was no secret he states several times that he is a wizard. She now knew his family were muggles she knew he was powerful, but inside his own mind he was very weak. She knew the weakness as she felt it too. How weak you felt when someone touched you and you could do nothing to stop it. When she was younger she didn't realise that her father touching her in those places was a bad thing just thought it was what happened with everyone but she found out... found out how wrong she was and now she wouldn't go near him but that didn't stop him finding her. He came to her at the dead of night and held her down. He slammed into her not caring if she was crying or not. Not caring if he hurt her, just not caring at all.

Hermione walked in to find papers all over Lavenders bed much like they were every night. Hermione sighed. The girl had become obsessed with this writer. Sure Hermione herself liked to hear the tales but she did not believe them. They were just stories. Whoever was writing it just wanted an honest opinion of what people thought. The writer of course said they were true but they couldn't be. She had herself read the one about the boy growing to be a man at the age of eight. She only believed it to be stories no one could be put into a freak show. They were long gone. Anyway who would pay to watch someone get beaten and raped? She stood over Lavender and read one of the older accounts. The first one found to be exact.

--

_It's not my fault I'm the way I am. I was born this way. A wizard... it's just something even more freaky than someone normal. I mean... well never mind. I can't even admit these things to myself in my head let alone down on paper. This paper is my only friend. A diary. Someone to talk to. It listens and understands. No one could possibly understand me. No one but this paper. Paper my friend you have helped me through these times. I thank you._

_--_

It was one of the short ones. Written in a deep red to make the effect more dramatic. There were a few of these. Actually most were. Supposedly the blood loss had been high enough for him to pass out after some. Some were even left unfinished with a line falling down the paper again making it more dramatic and almost seem real. /_This wizard sure has talent_/ Hermione suddenly realised that this was in fact a male. Not many people had noticed that he always used the word wizard and never witch. She pointed this out to Lavender who said she already knew that. Hermione doubted she did. Hermione knew Lavender wasn't that smart.

--

Harry washed the dried blood off of his leg. A dull ache spread over him. This was his pain. This was his control. He smiled once again. The words over his body showered with water. Water ran down him. Once he was fully clean of blood he stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his slender waist. He changed quickly into a long sleeved T-shirt and his overly big jeans. He silently made sure he put his concealment charm over his body and walked towards Dumbledore's office. He needed to know. Harry walked into Dumbledore's office and sat down. Dumbledore watched Harry.

"Yes my boy?" Harry continued watching Dumbledore. 'Legillimens' Harry silently went back into the depths of Dumbledore's mind still unnoticed by the old headmaster. "Harry what are you here for?" Harry remained silent still searching for what he needed to know. It was the search for something, something that since the last time had haunted him. He felt he needed to know. He felt it was his right to know. "Please Harry speak to me." Dumbledore was practically begging. There it was. The thing he had spent only minuets searching for but had spend hours thinking about. He had seen his family. A women he did not recognise. He knew that scream though. In his dreams. Her death but it was not Voldermort who stood there killing her. It was Dumbledore. It was then that he'd seen his father. Severus Snape. His potions professor. The man who loathed and despised him for his 'fathers' bad treatment. It was all lies though. Severus Snape couldn't hate him. Severus Snape was his father. And James Potter was not real. He couldn't be hated for being his son any longer. Now Severus would have to give Harry a chance. 

--

Severus Snape's mind went wild. He was seeing things. Memories. His wife. His child. There happy times together. Harry's fist steps with Elaine and himself smiling proudly. Harry had his mothers green eyes and his own hair but much shorter and shiny like his mother. He couldn't believe it. The boy he had hated so much had been his own son. His happy home had been destroyed not by someone he hated but someone he had trusted. Dumbledore. He had been the one to fill his head with hatred for people. Hatred for his own son! His own father! Why were these memories coming back to him? Well he didn't know but the magic Harry had used on Dumbledore had realised memories. Only to those who were involved. To those who were most effected.

Remus somehow knew Lily, James and Sirius were not real. It confused him for a long time. He couldn't quiet believe it. His memories were all mixed up. He remembered Severus his best friend. Elaine. His best friends wife and then there was Harry. His godson. All had been separated after Dumbledore had killed Elaine and placed the blame on Severus's father. The man was powerful. He wanted the world in his hands. He practically had it. Voldermort. He was not real. Well he was but only as a man. Tom Riddle. Severus's father. A man who only tried to bring Dumbledore down. Dumbledore had sent the mans only grandson against him. These two remembered everything from their child-hoods. The incident with the whomping willow was not real. They did not hate each other. They were best friends. Practically inseparable. They could not believe a mere spell had kept there friendship apart.

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A/n - Sorry! I know it's been done so often!! Who else could I have used though! honestly I think it's the only person I could have used.

Thanks to my reviewers!! :D

Grin - yup I know it needs improvments but I can't get rid of the long paragraphs although I did try! Yes Harry is pretty pessimistic. I shall get to the Draco bits soon enough but for now I gotta concentrate on Lavender!

Tamyka- I will go into Lavender's life a bitbut she wont be the main focus!

handsoff- yep you are crazy! Now listen to the voices in your head tellingyou to review! :D teehee

spirtfox- As long as I have reviews I shall keep on writting!

Starrarose- Shall try and keep them long then! Sowey... -hides under table- I was just trying to find a way of making the paragraphs shorter and ended up making the chapter shorter instead. Oops! Anayways this chap is over 1200 words so it's not bad!


	4. chapter four

After several minuets of silence after Harry found out about his family Harry said calmly with no emotion in his voice to show how he felt about the man.

"No thank you sir I know everything I needed to." With that Harry set off in search for his father leaving a worried and confused looking headmaster behind. He spent a few hours outside the man's rooms but he just did not have the courage to enter. The door swung open. Harry's eyes went wide, as did the potion masters. "Hello..." he had no idea of what to say. Harry stood awkwardly. Harry wanted to ask him if he knew. If he had hidden it along with Dumbledore but inside he knew that the man had been through the same thing he had. He had been lied to as well.

"What do you want Potter?" Snape had known the boy had been outside his rooms for a while but only now had he had the courage to open the door. He looked at Harry and wondered how he never noticed the similarities. He looked so much like Elaine. The women he loved so much and the women that had made his life that much better. He, Elaine, Harry, Remus and his father were all very happy. That was until Dumbledore pulled them apart.

"Do you know who I really am now?"

--

Lavender looked through many of the notes, she'd read them thousands of times but she needed to know. It was becoming more and more frequent between entries and she feared for the boy's life. Even if he wanted it, she knew she would never forgive herself if she didn't try to help him.

--

_For those who are muggles, you will understand what I mean by a car, then again most witches and wizards will too, but muggles will know the inside of the car. They know there is something there which can cause me pain. A lighter. In the front of most cars and sometimes even in the back too. You push in the cap and it heats up. You may ask what has that got to do with anything. To me though every time I see one I will think of my first burn, well not my first ever burn of course, cooking meals when you cannot even reach the oven causes a lot of burns too. No this was the first burn I'd done myself. I pushed it in by accident when my uncle yelled at me to clean not only the outside but the inside of the car as well. I'd seen the little thing so many times, seen the picture but never understood what it was there for. I'd popped it in. Minuets later it popped out and I took it from the car. It was hot. I placed it straight against my skin burning the flesh. I could smell it. It to me was intoxicating. I loved it. Later after the same burn, same sensations I grew bored of the round burns I created. I started purposely catching my arms on the grill and oven or when my aunt asked for me to light a fire in the fireplace, which we only got last year after an unsaid incident which ruined the old electric one, I'd be extremely ' clumsy' and all the hairs on my arms burned off. When my family went to bed and I had to put the fire out I used to get my patterns. I made metal patterns which I'd place into the fire pull out and brand myself. I admit that the fire to me was something I truly loved. Much like the pain of cuts and burning, fire kept my spirits alive. _

--

Harry watched his father nervously hoping the man knew. Hoping that Snape hadn't known all along and had merely denied it, but Harry had seen him looking happy with both himself and his mother. He only hoped that Dumbledore had made Snape forget too. Snape nodded.

Harry didn't scream and shout like Severus expected which made him smile. Harry still kept up his guard though he still feared all men and women. Even peoplehe knew he could trust. He just hoped that Severus was not like his uncle. He feared many people because of the way he had been treated as a child. Who wouldn't be scared?

"You are Harry Snape, my son…" Severus looked to the floor; guilt was clearly shown on his face. "Dumbledore fooled us all." Harry nodded. It was awkward. Snape wanted to hug his son. To apologise for everything he had said. Snape hated himself.

Harry heard a noise and pulled up a wandless shield up. He couldn't help but be overly careful.

Snape examined the shield. He knew Harry was powerful enough to use wandless magic but surprised at how quickly and well he used it. He also had no idea why his son had pulled up the shield. "Harry why did you..." Then he heard the footsteps. Snape was not worried. It was most likely some student. He did not know why Harry had acted this way. Remus stepped around the corner. "

Remus!" Snape exclaimed. Remus and Severus hugged warily, making Harry feel even more uncomfortable and awkward. "I am sorry old friend. I did not know." Remus smiled.

"Neither did I my friend. Only today did I realise." Remus looked at Harry who was still inside his shield. "That's very impressive Harry, glad to see you have improved greatly. Now how about you come out and give your godfather a hug?" Remus had trained Harry to do some simple wandless magic and knew he was practising it on a regular basis but at this moment he just wanted to hug his godson.

Harry watched the man. The last real marauder. Well none of them were real but in Harry's mind he could not forget. Harry sighed and let the shield fade so he could hug his real godfather. He stayed tense the whole time aware that at anytime he could be hurt.

Severus smiled. He had his son and friend back. Now all he needed to do was to speak to his father and get the boy to open up and feel less awkward around him.

--

Tom Riddle smiled. His grandson was a smart one. He knew Harry would be. Ever since the first time he held Harry in his arms. He had felt the power. The fact Harry had found out about his past meant everyone he was close to when the spell was cast would be free of it as well.

Tom was the first to admit he had gone a bit mad when Harry had been taken. He actually hadn't been trying to find away of living forever like many suspected. He had just wanted his grandson back. He was just using anyway possible. He'd asked his friends like Quirril and Lucius to help him get to Harry but none had got him close enough. Harry was too strong and over powered the spells, which he had used and sent him back to his own body. He hadn't meant to hurt Harry. He'd just been mad. Crazed by the thought that his grandson hated him.

The last two times Harry had 'met' him in Harrys' his forth and fifth years at Hogwarts he had not actually seen Harry. Dumbledore and many of his followers were powerful and were good with glimmers. Tom knew if he'd have been there he could never have intentionally hurt Harry. The scar on Harry's forehead was a myth. It was triggered with pain when 'Voldermort' was around only because of Dumbledore. It was from the manipulations of Bumblefuck the old man of Hogwarts.

Tom just wanted Harry back and soon he would. He had felt the power of Harry's and he knew that the Legillimens had been used. He could feel strong magic being used. Bumblefuck often used powerful spells keeping the memory charms up to date on everyone and making sure people thought 'Voldermort' was killing people. It was of course Dumbledore who was killing these muggleborns. All that trouble to make it seem 'Voldermort' was evil. Tom knew Albus Dumbledore just wanted power.  
He knew Harry, his son and most likely Remus his son's best friend would be aware of what had happened and would be visiting his door soon.

--

Harry stood awkwardly as Severus Snape and Remus Lupin sat down in Severus's living room chatting about things they had forgotten. Harry felt almost like he did not belong here. The two however noticed as Harry tried to sneak out and leave the two men in peace. They both pulled Harry to sit down causing Harry to whimper thinking about how his uncle would pull him around. The two looked at him oddly but shook it off and started adding Harry into the conversation about his wandless magic and what he did to waste his time around Hogwarts. Harry of course did not tell them of his writing and about how he cut but about homework and quidditch took up most of his time they smiled and laughed when he said homework both knew Harry was the student who did the least. Well lately they had noticed it had increased slightly. With more detail too which impressed them both greatly.

* * *

A/n don't really like this chapter as it's justa father and son reunited one.Hopfully my next chapter will be better. 

Thanks to my reviewers!

spirtfox- sorry about confusingness! Sometimes I just go offon a writing spree and don't know how to change it once it's written. I hate Dumbledore too! He's such a bastard!

SR - Thank you m'dear!!

rupella - If you've read Suicide then you'd see I used Blaise as an extra character to mak things more interesting. That's exactly what I'm doing with Lavender in this one! Harry/Draco will come!!

Grimy Grunhilda Grunt- theres more theres more!! Hope your mood improved btw! Be happiful :P

Lady Jillyan Malfoy-Potter- yesh... evil Dumbledore....

cdkobasiuk- Thank you! :D

Starrarose- Theres an enter button?! -gasp- WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME THIS!? :P

Faren'sFowl- Thank you :D

bored miko- Thank you :D

DemonRogue13- Me too! You gotta love 'em!

silver emerald eyes- Prob confusing too :P I do make things oh so confusing at times... :D

VladLycan- awsome -shudders- how I lothe that word! teehee!

Goddess of Gorgeousness- I don't know what to do with Hermione... I think I may need her to be nice to Harry... just started out on the wrong foot maybe? I duno.

Analynne- don't pout! Thats my job. Teehee.

FicLuvers2die4- I hope I keep your interest!

Gryffindorgrl86- It'll be a while before Hermione finds out though... well maybe not... I don't know quiet yet.

harrypotterclmsn - I'm going to sound incredibly stupid and ask which bit you mean by what Draco wanted to ask of Harry... :S

rozi126 - One word THANKS! :D I don't think this is amazing but I'm glad you like it.

darkanglefrmhell- I may have to make Hermione nice though, just to warn you! Although I do kinda hate her... sometimes depends on the fiction and my mood.

jocelyn-R- Awwww bless. Thanks hun!

rupella - Is there two of you or did you review twice? Btw It would be quite amuzing to see you explode : P teehee

Lisa - Be patient! Oh and sorry for the lack of Draco... umm well the non apperance of Draco... He will be there soon!!

LOTS OF REVIEWS THANK YOU!! :D


	5. chapter five

--

_I hate this. I hate it all. These feelings I keep having… I'm stressed at my friends. The two people I have actually come to trust. I love them dearly… but sometimes I just wish they would go away. Just wish they would leave me alone… it's stupid I know but it gets harder to cut if they are around me twenty four seven… God I am such a bitch! I hate myself for these feelings… maybe instead of feeling sorry for myself all the time, maybe I should feel sorry for them, for having such a bad friend…I should stay alone… I have got to let them go._

--

Lavender wanted desperately to know who was writing these. It was gone midnight. All she knew was it was a male wizard at Hogwarts with muggle relatives and two best friends who he may or may not have. It could be a lot of people. It could have been anyone...

--

_Here's my tale. A new tale from this summer. This time it's about the freak and the women. You see my aunt found out about my uncle raping me… now you would think she would want to help me… she being the one who is related truly by blood, but alas no she decided to chain me onto the double bed in her and her husbands room. She chained me by my hands and ankles and fucked me… it would appear neither my aunt nor uncle get much pleasure from each other. I think they like the feeling of power… they both have power over me as I will not fight. I thought it was bad with my uncle but my aunt is way worse… I learnt to give my own aunt pleasure. A knife in her hand cutting me as a reward or maybe a punishment. I can't be sure of which. Sometimes she would cut me before sometimes after. I truly am a whore. Maybe I should be paid? _

--

Lavender was growing desperate. She now had formed a list of people who could have written these notes in her head and slowly she was ticking them down. She was getting close to discovering the boy or as he said man who was going through the same kind of pain she was.

--Flashback--

Lavender looked down at her sister lying blooded on the floor her father standing over her. A normal occurrence in the brown family. Lavender cried out as she heard her fathers zip. He turned to her, his member hanging out, she knew she would pay for calling out. She always did, but she would never leave her sister to go through the pain.

Her sister crawled into the corner and wept. She knew Lavender did this to keep her out of pain, but it also pained her to watch her sister being raped by their own father. She watched her father slide into Lavender. Lavender didn't scream but her sister saw the tears fall down her face.

--

Lavender and her sister climbed the stairs and once they got to Lavenders room they hugged and never let go. Lavender hugged her sister tightly and kissed her sister's forehead. She loved her sister and would never let any harm come to her if she was around, but she knew she wouldn't always be around. Especially when she was at Hogwarts. Lavender clung to the guilt within her heart.

-- End Flashback --

Lavender wiped away her tears. She couldn't let her past interfere with finding the mystery male writer.

--

_I don't know why I don't use my wand against them. I could... then again I think I'm on my final warning therefore I would probably be kicked out. Then I would have to go to a muggle school. Saint Brutises school for boys. It's a school for boys like me ones that aren't normal. They're full of boys who need to learn to be normal not bullies or weird freaks of nature like me. They go in bad and come out better people. Some days I wish that I could go. My uncle would like that. There are fewer holidays which is good. I never went home during the Hogwarts holidays except of course the summer where my uncle could do anything for about six weeks and leave me two weeks to heal even though I can heal within two days. I would have to come back for Christmas though if I went to St Brutises. I never have since I've been at Hogwarts. Never wanted to. Why would I? I could use my wandless magic on my uncle for that is not traceable. I've been using wandless for a couple of years now but I have yet to use it on my uncle. I don't though; I'm a freak and I deserve what I get. Most people would probably think this whole thing a lie. I mean who is powerful enough to do wandless? And then not even use it as a defence? Believe what you like. It is true. The pain within me. I can control it. I love it. It helps me. It will until I die. That day when I am happy. That day when I take my final breathe. I will not die like I have been told. I will not die by the hands or possibly wand of another. He may have marked me with a scar but he will never kill me. He does not deserve to. I will die by my own hands and the knife that is held in it._

_--_

She knew from this that they had to be powerful. Anyone who could do wandless would be powerful. She looked through it. 'I will not die like I have been told. I will not die by the hands or possibly wand of another.' Someone who was supposed to die from the wand of another. She mused. It hit her like a bolt of lightning. She ran. Down the stairs and into the common room. There he was. The boy she had thought about ever so much. The one who had written these accounts. It had to be him. He may have marked me with a scar! That had done it for her. Harry Potter had to be the one writing these.

* * *

A/n I had to get this out, I have things planned for Lavender.... -smiles mysteriously-

Thank you my reviewers!!

Grimy Grunhilda Grunt- Glad to make you happy! :D

DemonRogue13- Thank you! :D

HPandSBbabe- It's sooner! I actually have several chapters written but those will have to wait for another day :D

Depressed Gothic Raven- Thank you! :D

Abbie - Thank you! :D

Gryffindorgrl86- I'm Glad you like it! :D

grin - I don't like Snape all that much but sometimes I make exceptions. No Draco here either -sniffle- scorry... And yay!! I made it less confusing!! :D GO ME!!

Starrarose- Teehee Yup, we should deff go off to kill Ol' Dumbledork!

InsaneBlackHeart- Argh Scary questions!! To be honest I hadn't really thought about those things buuuut now you mention them I am adding where the cloak and marauders map into later chapter! Thanks for pointing those out to me :D And by the way I'm sure you are a psycho!! ; )XP Teehee. Oh yesh scorry about Sirius not being in it as well... he's one of my fav characters too! It just kinda fits... not sure what I'm doing with 'Mione yet... she may see the error of her ways, or she may not, we'll see...

kava - Your questions will be answered when you read! :D


	6. chapter six

**Chapter six**

Harry had just come back from a very awkward meeting with his real father and his father's best friend Remus. Strange to think to such enemies in one memory are best friends in another. He found his cloak to have belonged to Remus to sneak down to the whomping willow on the full moon and Severus had made the map to make sure Remus did not escape the shrieking shack on the full moon when he was unable to turn into his animagus form, which Harry had yet to find out what the form was. The maps original words had been friends Moony and Claws. Moony obviously was still Remus and Claws barely narrowed down what his father had been.

He sat down in a chair by the fire mere minutes before he heard someone come down the girls' stairs. Lavender he noticed.

Harry looked up at Lavenders face. /_She knows./_ The voice in his head called. /_She knows it's you. Look in her eyes. There's that pity./_ Harry looked but there was nothing that resembled pity in her eyes. She watched him. He watched her. Lavender walked towards Harry. Much like Draco had she stroked his face and much like he had done with Draco he flinched. She knew for real it was him. Some people who had been raped stayed away from human contact. She had done the same with the exception on Parvati and her sister. They were the only ones.

Lavender leaned in and kissed the green-eyed boy. At first he did nothing. He sat there. Her kissing him. He could taste her tears on his lips. He could taste his own too. That's when he kissed her back. He kissed her gently not really knowing what he was doing. She ran her tongue along his lips and he let her tongue slip in and their tongues met in a playful battle neither caring who won. Just happy that they had someone to share there pain with. They broke apart. Their foreheads rested against each other. Both had their eyes shut. Harry pulled back and looked at her. He pushed some of her hair that had come lose from her ponytail behind her ear. She was beautiful. He didn't know how he had never noticed before. Her lips slightly swollen from their kiss and her eyes blue. A sharp blue. Gorgeous. He didn't know why but he could also see someone else in her. Someone with sharp blue eyes and the blondest hair.

Tears ran down her face. How could Harry be the one in so much pain? How could he be the one who was ripped of his innocence? He had so much to deal with. Lavenders' tears didn't stop. Neither did Harrys'.

"You found out then?" Lavender nodded. She pulled up his sleeves. Nothing was there. Harry took off the charm. She gasped. It was worse than she could ever imagine. The words, pictures and cuts over his arms not all of them yet explained. He opened his shirt and she saw his neat writing all over his chest. She knew of the quill Umbridge had used and now knew how Harry had hurt himself while writing these accounts. She touched his face again. Her thumb stroking his cheek. She looked into his eyes again. His dull green eyes. She had never known them to sparkle. She wanted them to though. Taking away her hand Lavender pulled up the sleeves of her own shirt showing bare arms. She took her wand and took off the charm. She looked to the floor. She was embarrassed but he needed to know. A lump formed in Harry's throat. He took her hand in his and kissed it.

"We can help each other through this." He stated. "I don't want anyone doing this. It's addictive. The pain. Once you have it you never want it to go. It helps." She understood. It helped her too. "But even with these scars you are beautiful... I never noticed before now." She blushed as he stroked her arms. Tracing her scars.

"Your accounts. The rape and beating... my sister and me… we went through that too Harry. My father..." She couldn't go on. He pulled her into his shoulder. She cried. He placed the spells over them both and covered their arms and in his case chest. Then he pulled a blanket over them both. It didn't take long for them to sleep.

-

Draco decided that he wasn't tired after sleeping almost eight hours during the day so he walked around the grounds. Draco was sure he was forgetting something. Something before falling asleep in the clearing. He had a clue that it was something to do with the mystery writer as he had found blood on his clothing. Not his blood. Draco had also woken up from a dream.

Dream

A green-eyed raven-haired boy stood before him. His eyes playful and happy. The boy smiled brightly before helping Draco to his feet. The boy spoke of what there future was going to be like and how happy they were going to be. Draco did not recognise him. Draco looked confused.

"Who are you?" The boy looked towards Draco. His eyes dull. He pulled up his sleeves. 'FREAK' among other cuts and bruises were shown. "What did you do?" Draco rushed to the boy. His fingers traced the scars. He met the dull green eyes. "Let me help you." The green eyes softened.

"You've said that to me once before. You cannot help though. No one can." The boy pulled out a knife and opened his shirt. Writing littered it. Tales of his troubled past. He would never forget them. Not now they were engraved apoon his body. The boy drew the knife across his chest. Blood poured from the wound. The boy reached for the wound and put his hand into it and pulled out his own heart. The boys breathing became shallow and Draco's eyes were wide. The boy took Draco's hand and placed it into his. He placed a light kiss on Draco's lips before pulling back slowly. "This belongs to you Draco it always will." The boy fell the floor smiling. The boy was dead.

End dream

-

Harry woke up with a start. He'd had a dream of a blonde boy. The boy didn't know him but Harry seemed to know him. He soon recognised Draco. Harry had no idea about what he was chattering about. Something about a life together and happiness. Harry didn't recognise himself. He seemed almost happy. That was until Draco asked who he was. The happiness that he had never felt before left him. He pulled up his sleeves to show Draco. Draco asked what he had done. Wasn't that obvious? Harry remembered Draco tracing the scars. Harry did not flinch. Draco looked up at him. "Let me help you." Harry's heart reached out to the boy. Harry knew what was going on. Harry heard himself speak and then pulled out his faithful knife. He opened his shirt showing scars. Tales of his troubles all written by himself. He pulled his knife across his chest and reached into the wound pulling out his own heart. He placed it into Draco's hand after a light kiss and told him that it belonged to Draco and it always would. Harry died in peace.

Lavender awoke next to him.

"You ok Harry?" He nodded and muttered it was just a dream. "Memories or just a random dream?"

"Random bad dream. Nothing serious. We should go back to our dorms. It's..." Harry checked his new watch. "Just gone one." Lavender lightly kissed Harry's lips before walking up to her own dorm. Harry watched her go up. He then turned and walked towards the portrait leading out of Gryffindor tower. From there he walked where his legs took him. He had no idea where he was going. He was in his mind at the time. /_She knows... it's my secret. I want to be alone... but I can't push her away. She needs me. No one should go through my pain. I need to push her away but how can I do that! It would be wrong of me. I can't stop her from coming to me. This is as bad as me trying to get away from Ron and Hermione…maybe worse. I do need someone... but my dream suggests Malfoy... God this is ridiculous.../_

* * *

A/n Not really any Harry/Draco I'm afraid. Scorry… -hides- It may take some time to get any… It's not going to happen over night people:P

Thanks to my reviewers! And may I add wow! Some of you had reviewed like half an hour after it'd been posted:O

grin - afraid theres not much Draco… There's Lavender though! I have a good idea what to do with her though :D

Grimy Grunhilda Grunt – helps throw pickles! Teehee, I got a hug -skips around throwing roses-

Dangerous Lover - You shall have to read and see

InsaneBlackHeart – Uhhh yes quick updating kinda person –shifty eyes- I can be sometimes… more Draco in later chapters ok! I think I may be repeating myself lotsa peoples want more Draco!

snowy-angst – Maybe I should start taking the hint that people want Draco :P He'll be in later chapters. Me promises:D

princess-fictoria - Ohhh you know what you're talking about:D Harry isn't going to stop Lavender knowing, though that may cause problems in the future. I say no more… -whistles-

Lisa - Yeah I know it should be Draco, buuuut I wanted this chapter as I am mean and like to prolong the Draconess… :P

angels-slayer-lol – As I've said before and more than likey to say again there shall be Draco/Harry later on :P

Starrarose -hides- don't kill me! Who would finish the fiction then? Hmm? Go forth and kill Dumbledore!

Abbie –Yeah, Lav can be a smarty pants when she puts her mind to it. Teehee :P

BioHazrdusMatrial3 – Thank you:D

Rozi126 - Yeah, I can't wait to find out what's going to happen! I don't know myself most of the time :P

Gryffindorgrl86 – Yup she figured it out, so now hopfully things can get a bit better… maybe, mwhahahahaha… yes anyway… Suicide… come to a bit of writers block on that… shall update as soon as pos though.

Goddess of Gorgeousness – Yeah, that's partly why I write this sort of thing, so people realise that their own lives aren't quiet so bad. Well I hope so anyway.

darkanglefrmhell – Uhh I may update more I may not depends how nice I'm feeling really :D And will you still read if it's a nice Hermione? Cause I'm prety sure she's going to learn the error of her ways…

Agnus Dei – Thank you:D

SnakeTalker – here's the update! You didn't have to wait too long!

Hannah.xxx – thanks for your multi reviews I loved them all and made me have to update:D


	7. chapter seven

_Chapter seven_

His feet led him to the quidditch field. He looked up and saw he was not the only one there. Someone else was wondering around the field. Harry could only see the light from the wand. Harry had walked in the dark. He had become used it. He could see well enough in it. He looked across the field carefully trying to see it was... Draco Malfoy. He was sat down. Draco's face was what Harry called in a thoughtful expression. It would seem he wasn't the only one who needed to think.

-

Draco heard a rustling. 'Nox' he muttered quietly. He couldn't see who it was but Draco was not in the mood to be disturbed. He knew that people would often come talk to him in the dead of night. People like Lavender Brown. They asked for him to listen. He always would. Contrary to what people thought Draco Malfoy was a nice guy. As was his father. Sure they were on 'Voldermorts' side but not many knew that he was in fact a good man. The darker families did know though. Draco watched into the darkness. He saw no one but knew someone was there.

"Hello Malfoy." Draco heard Potter's voice. Draco sighed. It was typical that it was Potter. The moment he wanted peace someone like Potter would bother him.

-

Harry thought his options over. His dreams were often correct. The last had basically told him to talk to Malfoy. He walked up to the seated boy. "Hello Malfoy." The boy sighed. Harry smiled.

"What do you want Potter?" Harry looked Draco in the eyes. Draco gasped. Dull green eyes. "My dream! You!" Harry watched Draco. He had no idea that Draco had shared a dream. "You gave me your heart..."

"I didn't understand it either. It would seem we shared a dream. Remember." The events of earlier that day flooded back to Draco. Draco looked up at Harry. Harry looked away. Shame showed on his face. Draco needed to know. He knew it. He felt it. Harry always followed his feelings.

"It was you. You took away my... I knew I had forgotten something. You... you're very powerful... Let me see them." Harry wasn't sure. He didn't trust Draco yet. /_You don't want his pity… don't show him. Could you stand the pain you give someone by showing your scars. Two people knowing… it's just too much./_ "Please Harry." Harry sighed. He looked up to Dracos' eyes. They showed emotion. Emotion that Harry knew Draco normally hid from the world. He knew he had to show Draco. Harry pulled off his shirt and took of the charm.

Draco watched the scars appear all over the others body. He wanted to touch them. He wanted to touch Harry. He wanted to take Harry's pain away. Draco brushed away his tears. He knew Harry did not want pity. He didn't know how, he just knew. Draco held his arms out to Harry. Harry found himself in an embrace with Draco. He cried into Draco's shoulder ruining Draco's favourite shirt. Draco didn't care though. He felt good. Harry in his arms. For the first time he felt he was doing something right. He was helping someone he hated. Someone who needed the help more than anyone. Someone he felt for.

-

Lavender knew Harry wouldn't go straight to his dorm. She had heard about his midnight walks. She was going to follow him. She was sure she knew why he went to walk. He went to cut. She knew she couldn't let him continue to do so. She knew that she needed to help him. Well help him as best she could and that also meant she would have to stop him from cutting when she knew he was going to. _/He won't write anymore… not now I know… I'll miss his writing but I think it's better he doesn't cut anymore./ _Lavender discovered she was right and followed Harry to the quidditch pitch; hiding in the shadows not wanted to be noticed until she knew for sure that he was going to cut. She saw Harry talking to Draco; she didn't mind Draco was actually someone she would talk to about her problems. He was actually quite caring when he wanted to be. She watched as Harry removed his shirt to show Draco. _/I thought I was something special to you Harry, but obviously I am not./ _Tears flooded down her cheeks. _/This is so stupid I should be happy he's trying to talk to someone… but why not me Harry/_ She hated him for it. She knew the stories but she still hated the fact on the same day she found out about Harry he went to show Draco Malfoy someone she thought Harry hated. She couldn't stand watching as Draco embraced Harry, Harry crying once again. Lavender ran.

-

Harry soon realized whom he was hugging. He pulled away quickly. He hadn't meant to seem so weak... then again he knew he was weak. He couldn't control his emotions. He never had been able to. Not like Draco. Draco's eyes always seemed cold. Like ice. Harry felt stupid and venerable. He didn't like it.

"I'm sorry... I shouldn't have I must go..." Harry turned to leave but Draco held his wrist lightly. A magic inside Harry grew making Harry unable to move away. He didn't know what this was. Harry cried out when light poured out from his body. Harry fell to his knees.

Draco called out to Harry as he fell to the floor. Nothing seemed wrong to him he couldn't see the bright light and couldn't feel magic running through him. He still had a hold of Harry's hand yet Harry never pulled away and only fell to the ground.

Harry stared up at Draco. Draco released Harry's wrist only to hold Harry. The light Harry could see disappeared when Draco let his go but grew stronger as Draco held him. Harry tried desperately to get away from Draco and the light but he could not.

"What are you doing to me? Let me go!" Draco let go his heart filling with pain as he watched Harry run. He watched Harry run from his life.

* * *

A/n Hey lookie some Draco:D 

Thanks to my reviewers!

the one you left behind -head tilts in confusion- umm... explain... I'm being slow again me thinks...

Hannah.xxx- Thanks hunni! I love your reviews:D

Goddess of Gorgeousness- Glad to hear you like it :)

BioHazrdusMatrial3- I shall keep it up:)

Starrarose- Don't tickle me-runs- Can I help with Dumbledore? Pwease-puppy dog look-

Tamyka- You shall have to read and find out m'dear :D

VladLycan- Deff just Harry/Draco! Lavender will find her women... -whistles- Gives everyone a small hint...

InsaneBlackHeart- YAY! Go randomness! I gotsa huggle! smiles sheepishly :P teehee


	8. chapter eight

Harry ran to the forbidden forest, not caring about the dangers hidden within the dark wood. He'd faced many of them before and those he hadn't faced he was sure he could tackle. He ran deep into the forest. He knew Draco had not followed because the he knew Draco was too scared to enter, but he had continued running anyway. He stopped only when he found himself in the middle of a group of thestrals'. He found them to be amazing creatures. He sometimes wished that everyone could see them.

They all watched him closely not knowing if they could trust the human or not. When they found Harry to only be watching them and not seeming like he would do anything dangerous they continued with playing with the small thestrals and continuing with their way of life. They still watched him though. Making sure he didn't harm the young foals they had.

Harry pulled a leaf off the tree and then took a stick from the ground and transfigured a pencil and drawing pad. He watched them and sketched them. Harry had often down this. Drawn down the beauty of the world. The last of his work had been burned. His uncle Vernon didn't like them. Harry smiled as one of the smallest of the thestrals walked towards him and nudged his hand. Harry stroked the animal and smiled. The elder thestrals watched closely. Harry kissed the young foal on its nose and left towards deeper woods.

He sat down when he felt he could walk no further. He pulled out the quill which never left him along with his dagger and started to write.

_I've always loved to draw. For my cousins birthday he always got a drawing pad from some neighbour who owned an art shop. He always threw it on the floor and forgot about it. I always stole it and a pencil from school. I hid the drawings under my bed. I always used to draw the park opposite my house with the children playing happily when I had a spare moment from doing the gardening. Then I drew the flowers and the insects. I always loved to draw the spiders from my cupboard. They were always so interesting to study. So strange, almost something unreal… I don't know I just always liked them. For a while whenever I found a fly or caught one I would feed my spiders. They were always mine. I thought it was something I owned. That was until my aunt found them screamed and my uncle killed them all. He would check my cupboard everyday to make sure I hadn't snuck one in. I missed my spiders._

_I was in the forest today. I am still in fact… anyway I found a heard of thestrals' and I drew them. They are truly magnificent creatures, though not many have seen them. You need to have seen death to see them. I of course have. I drew them in their natural habitat…I think I did a good job of them… these drawings though, they will be burnt just like the rest when the holidays come. My uncle burnt all of them, all my art. The only thing that seemed to be beautiful in my life… for now I have no beauty…except maybe her… but how long until she leaves my life? I also have him… but he is not exactly mine, in my mind I want him, but … I can't hurt her._

Harry drew a thestral from his many small and large drawings in his sketch pad. It was of the baby that had come up to Harry lying next to its mother. It was a very good drawing for someone who was losing so much blood. Harry's magic flowed into the drawing and worried eyes of the baby thestral looked at Harry.

Harry drifted off with the loss of blood he had grown tired. There was a sudden gust of wind through the forest and the wind carried his latest note off to where, Harry did not know...

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A/n I'm so so so so SO sorry it took so long to get this up! I smashed my laptop! The one I got for xmas:'( Had to get it fixed… hope you enjoyed this chapter!

Thanks to my hopfully patient rewiewers! I love you all!

Grimy Grunhilda Grunt – Good word! You can use 'currible' if you like lol. The light will get explained at some point… You shall have to wait though…

Starrarose – Hope you got some sleep, and I agree with the torture! Heehee.

Tamyka – You may be right you may be wrong you shall have to see :D

StolenTears – There will be more letters! Heehee. You will have to wait and see if I put them together :D

silvertoekee- Thanks, I feel sorry for Harry too!

InsaneBlackHeart – Aww bless you! I'm glad this helps though I'm not quite sure why… and … maybe she is maybe she is… -shifty eyes-

darkanglefrmhell – Yes I will in due time –smiles- And yes you can still hate Hermione! I know I will :P

Hannah.xxx – you'll find out about the light… it may not come until very very late in the fic though… not sure yet.

Goddess of Gorgeousness - yea I know what you mean… kinda screwing it up right now… I'll go over the next few chapters a bit better… this one may be as bad as the last one but I really needed to get one out!

L.I.S.A – Harry go to you eh? That's a new one :P heehee

Gryffindorgrl86 – You shall find out about the light later and we'll see how it goes. People don't always get over things so easily…

BioHazrdusMatrial3 – Ummm you're not dead yet right? Sowey it took so long!

ronsfavfan18 – I'll cheak it out! Hope you continue reading :D


	9. chapter nine

Hermione picked up the note from the ground. She felt tingles go up her spine as she read it. This account almost felt real. She didn't know what it was. Maybe it was the little drawing which looked so worried. She did not know. She went up to Gryffindor tower to pass it onto Lavender but when she walked into the girls' dorm she was met with a horrifying sight. Paper was flying around the room. All torn up words like 'Freak', 'God hates me' and 'a wasted childhood.' Hermione knew these were the accounts of the mysterious writer. That was not the worst though in the middle of the room, sitting in the paper snow storm, Lavender was crying her heart out and her arms were covered in blood a razor by her side covered in the same blood.

Lavender looked up at Hermione and cried harder when she noticed the note in her hand. She reached out for the note and Hermione gave it to her. When she finished reading it she tore in into many pieces screaming 'I hate him' over and over.

Hermione watched as the thestral was torn and stilled its eyes still full of worry. Hermione then went into action and ran to get a wet towel to put around Lavenders' arms. Lavender let Hermione help her. Still sobbing. Hermione stroked the girl's hair and pulled her into her lap soothing the girl. Lavender looked up to Hermione.

"Thank you…" Hermione only smiled.

"Now why do you hate this young man? Hmm…" Lavender looked tearfully up at Hermione again. "You don't have to say but if it's enough for you to try and kill yourself… I think at least some explanation is deserved." Lavender nodded.

"I thought I was special to him but he obviously didn't think about me like that. I saw him talking to Malfoy! I mean I understand talking to Malfoy he's good at listening but Harry'd just told me and then he goes and talks to Malfoy straight after me! He also spoke to Malfoy… Harry barely said a word to me… he spoke to Malfoy instead of me! I mean of all the nerve… he should have at least talked to me…I love him." Hermione stopped really listening after the word Harry.

"Harry? As in my friend Harry wrote these?" Lavender gasped. She realised her mistake.

"I… I … Oh God! I didn't mean to say! Shit…" Hermione sat a moment thinking. "Hermione don't say anything to him… it would kill him. He's been through so much already…" Hermione shook her head. She carefully lifted Lavender up and placed her on her bed. She kissed Lavenders forehead and quickly looked through her trunk. She pulled out a small bottle and passed it to Lavender.

"I'll be back soon Lavender. You should be ok if you drink that. It'll replace your blood." Hermione smiled at her. Hermione ran to the boys' dorm and searched through Harry's things. Seamus and Dean watched as she pulled out a piece of parchment and left the room quickly. They merely blinked after her not knowing what she had even taken.

Hermione watched as the blank parchment quickly formed into the map. She skimmed over the names looking for Harry Potter. She finally spotted Harry deep in the forest; not moving. She watched herself on the map heading towards where Harry was on the map. She sighed with relief as he started moving, though the movement seemed small maybe just him shuffling about on the floor. That's when something kicked her hard. She screamed as some invisible hooves trampled her.

Harry heard Hermione scream and he ran toward her. It actually woke him. Still aching but he didn't care… his friends may not be his real friends but they still mattered. He'd rather be hurt or killed himself rather than any of them be harmed, not that he cared about death and pain anyway. He finally reached her. He watched as a thestral defended its foal. Harry ran to it and stroked its nose which made it back off. Harry looked down at Hermione who wasn't severely hurt merely in shock. She smiled as Harry pulled her up.

"What was that?" She stared round not seeing anything. Harry however saw the wary looking thestrals.

"You walked into the thestrals nest Mione. They were just scared you were going to hurt the baby." Hermione nodded. "Come on Mya." She followed him out of the forest before pulling him to a secluded area.

_/Who cares now? No one I guess. I am totally alone… except maybe my sister… Parvati too I guess… then again she has her sister. He never cared of course. I don't know why I ever thought he did. How could he? He just left me to talk to Malfoy. Sent me to bed like a child. I can't believe he said he wanted to help me and then go and do this to me! He's a bastard! I can't take this… I've lived long enough… Hermione why did you have to save me/_

Her thoughts weren't ever happy. Then again they were never this bad. She couldn't believe she'd drunk the potion Hermione had given her, she didn't even think about where Hermione had gotten the potion. She looked at her wrists covered in blood stained towels. Hermione had acted quickly and it had probably saved her. She was unsure whether her living was a good thing or not… for now she just wanted to sleep so she did.

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A/n As the last chapters really! Short I thought I'd throw in another one for you :) and the fact it took me so long to get the last one up! Sorry again about that! I just wanted to say for those who read 'suicide' I'm on a bit of a writers block with it… I will update when I can though…. Hope you enjoyed! 


	10. chapter ten

"Harry I was talking to Lavender earlier and…" Hermione looked at Harry as he watched her curiously. She looked him in the eyes a moment.

"Yes?" Harry grew impatient and gave her a look which clearly meant 'hurry up.' Hermione shook her head and smiled.

"Never mind it's probably nothing." Harry nodded but was still curious to know, he didn't even think about looking for himself, his mind still tired from his blood loss. Hermione looked at The blood seeping though his shirt and gasped, she could now tell it was true. She didn't need to see scars or anything just that blood and she knew for sure. "Harry you're bleeding!" She exclaimed. Harry looked shifty and then shrugged.

"That thestral must have kicked me harder than I thought." Hermione nodded, then looked through her school bag, it was luckily the perfect excuse to give him a blood replenishing potion. She gave it to him and he looked at him confused. "It'll replace the blood you've lost, it looks like a lot and don't ask me why I have it on me, you know what I'm like." Hermione gave a sheepish smile and Harry rolled his eyes. Harry opened the vial and downed it. When he looked at her he glared. "Sorry about the taste… I swiped it from Snape."

"Typical him, you know you can make potions taste better don't you? He just never tells us how and never does it himself. Typical bloke he is."Hermione nodded and looked quite surprised that Harry knew about something before she did. Harry walked Hermione to the edge of the forest and then turned to her. "Hermione I don't mean to be rude but I really need to be on my own right now… I'm just dealing with some stuff and I need some space to think, talk to you later ok. Oh and say 'hi' to Lavender for me okay?" Harry smiled at her slightly. Hermione was having her own inner battle now. Whether to let Harry go off on his own or not. She knew he would anyway so she nodded, smiled and let him go. _/I just hope I've done the right thing/_

Harry didn't care where he went he just needed to be away from the world he both loved and loathed. His head told him he was stupid to have left without making each and every person forget his accounts of suicide, or at least stop Lavender and Draco from telling anyone. Just to make sure nothing was said to anyone, to make sure no one else could ever find out. He knew his words weren't hard to figure out, people wouldn't believe the stories though. Why would they when they were so content in the world being such a happy place?

Harry listened to his own padding footsteps walk through the deserted forest. He wasn't exactly away from this world but for now it would have to do.

Severus paced outside his fathers rooms, in the Riddle house, hoping that his father would forgive him for him betraying his own father to someone who manipulated everyone, gave his father a bad name and killed the woman he loved.

Tom of course had already forgiven his son already. He had when he had found his son had betrayed him, he had found out about his sons betrayal as soon as Elaine had been killed and when Severus stopped smiling up at him but sneering. He knew that Dumbledore had done something to his son and grandchild so he had given Severus false information to give to Dumbledore, of course, he enjoyed his son panicking because of this which was a rare sight indeed. Severus took a deep breath and knocked on the doors to his fathers chambers. It had been a very long time since he'd felt like such a child.

"Come in Severus." He hissed out. Severus shivered.

"Hello father… please accept my apology. Dumbledore manipulated me, told me you were not my father took away my son and he killed my wife. I never knew father I did not know! Can you forgive me." Severus not looking up didn't see his father smiling at him and chuckling at his sons rambly rant and rave. When he did finally look up he sighed with relief to see his fathers smiling face and smiled back. Another very rare sight.

"Hello Severus, glad to see you have come to your senses at last… Welcome home son." Severus let out his breath which he didn't know he was holding as his father smiled at him. "Severus I know this is good but I am afraid my grandson is in need of me as he is walking through the depths of the forbidden forest and I would much like to visit him now. So good day to you Severus." Severus nodded as his father disappeared.

Harry didn't notice Tom Riddle appeared behind him, Tom watched his grandchild mere moments before he cut in and let Harry know he was there.

"Harry, stop that now." Harry turned and his eyes widened as he faced his, once enemy, and now grandfather. He dropped the knife out of shock and pulled down his sleeves quickly. "I saw Harry, I knew about your cutting anyway, I've been watching you a long time and not in the psycho manic I'm going to kill you kind of way either." Harry glared and Tom chuckled at his own joke and that annoying twinkle normal seen in Dumbledore's eyes was seen in Tom's.

"Great three people in one day… first Draco, then Lavender… Draco again… then you." Harry said more to himself. He then averted his eyes. "Who next? Might as well make a huge banner saying 'Hey look I'm the cutter you've all been reading about!'" Harry complained sarcastically, he then sighed sighed. "This is ridicules." Tom placed a hand on Harry's shoulder. Harry shrugged it off and moved away. "Just because you're now my grandfather does NOT mean I trust you all of a sudden!" Harry snapped. A few stray birds fluttered from the trees in to the sky.

"I know you don't. I will eventually gain your trust though. If you let me try, which maybe not now but someday I hope you will." Harry nodded. "Now Harry go back to Hogwarts, it's not safe for you to be out here no matter how powerful you are." Harry nodded. He collected his things and set off back to the castle. Tom's eyes following him until he could no longer see his grandchild. He sighed and appairated away.

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A/n Please please please someone teach me how to spell that damned work! Appairated… or is that right? I don't have the books on me right now, I'm so confused! – cries- anyways what do you think? Any good? I had to totally re write this chapter, it was even worse than it is now! Oh and I had a review saying make Hermione keep the fact she knows Harry is the writer to herself, I liked the idea and I had this whole big thing of Harry finding out she knew, it was crap… I like this way better. Please review:D Also Sorry it took so long again, I'm not going to give excuses… I'm just plain lazy :P

Thanks to my reviewers, oh how I love you all! Mwha! Mwha! Heehee. I shall thank you in the next chapter though as alas my father dearest has screwed up our computor! -Glares- fathers these days!


	11. Chapter eleven

As time passed no one spoke to Harry very often. This was often due to the fact that he was often never around. Lavender would watch him when she saw him, but never approached him. Hermione and Draco both tried but Harry had a way of being able to avoid them via passageways and by running. He'd grown quiet speedy since his childhood.

Although he didn't talk to his father much, or even Remus, the past month Harry spoke to his grandfather quiet a lot, which shocked even himself as hewas sure he would hate the man.He was actually quiet helpful. It seemed they were much alike when it came to childhood, both unhappy, beaten and turned to cutting. Harry hadn't stopped. Tom hadn't made him.

Tom understood about cutting, much more than Severus ever could. Severus had been told about Harry of course. He'd gone to Harry and scolded him for such stupid and Gryffindor like behaviour. Harry hadn't forgiven him for that yet but he never argued back. Tom however ended up getting angry at his son and told him that he in fact he had also cut at Harry's age. The heir of Slytherin had cut. Then again it meant two heirs had, Harry was an heir too. Also Harry had mentioned that he was supposed to be a Slytherin. That'd shut Severus right up. He'd stalked off and never mentioned the cutting again.

_My tears and blood mix together as one as I sit on the shore of the lake. Its steady ripples like the tides of the sea and as steady as the beats of my slowing heart. A gentle rain pours over my tears making them unnoticeable. The blood however is much more difficult to hide. Maybe impossible, maybe I don't care, maybe this is my cry for help; maybe that's what these tears are for. Crying for my freedom from the pain. _

_--_

She still found his writing beautiful, even when she wanted to hate him, she kept the new notes even though she wanted to shred them, and she still loved him even though she hated him.

Lavender watched Harry run from Draco again. She didn't understand why. She still watched him, she hated and loathed Harry, but in a way she missed his touch as he'd traced her scars. She didn't feel she wanted to love him not as a lover but only to remain friends. Well become friends again as neither had spoken to each other in a few weeks and neither had really spoken before that. He'd not questioned the fact she never spoke to him after that night. She guessed he had a lot on his mind. The fact she had not tried to get near him made her nervous when she finally did approach him. She followed him as he ran from Draco.

"Harry!" She called out to him. He paused, and then turned to her. They were down the third floor corridor which had been left abandoned since fluffy had left. He tilted his head to the side as if to say 'what do you want?' "Harry… I've been mad at you, but now I feel it's been… I've been stupid to be. Harry I miss you." He walked towards her silently and stroked her face. She smiled gently. When he tried to kiss her however she pulled back. He looked at her curiously and still remained silent to let her answer the unasked question. "Harry, I don't think I am right for you. I do think we both need someone but each other is not who we need."

"Yeah, I guess you're right." She smiled at the first words he'd spoken to her over the past month. "Friends though?"

"Always." Both smiled and hugged one another. "I noticed you haven't stopped writing." He nodded dully.

"You know what it's like."

"Yes I do…" The two stood in silence not knowing what to say when Lavender broke the silence. "Why do you avoid Malfoy?" She asked curiously.

"I don't trust him, he won't leave me be."

"Why tell him that night then? Why cry in his arms instead of mine! Why do you send me off to bed when you went walking and talked to him!" Lavender grew angry.

"You followed me then?" A statement, not a question but Lavender nodded anyway. "I should have guessed…" He thought a moment before he continued. "He found out before you, he confronted me earlier that day. It's not that hard to figure out if you really want to.I made him forget using magic. That dream I had… you know the random bad one that woke me up that night? I didn't tell you about it though." Lavender nodded again. Harry stopped a moment and breathed deeply. "Well… it was of him. He was on the pitch… seems he had the same dream as me. I reminded him using magic again, of what he discovered; though now I'm not sure why. I think that's what my dream wanted me to do though… when I realised I was crying to him I tried to run, he wouldn't let me and then I was surrounded by bright light. I think he wanted to hurt me. That's why I run from him now, that's why I don't trust him." He'd slid to the floor somewhere through talking. Lavender watched Harry as he told her. She felt stupid for not finding out earlier. He seemed so small at that moment, so unhappy. She felt so guilty for not looking after him. Making him better like she should have. Lavender sat next to him.

"I'm sorry Harry." Harry merely shrugged.

"S'ok." They sat in silence moments before Harry felt awkward so he started up a conversation this time. "You're getting on with Mya well aren't you? Anything going on I should know about? You never used to talk at all" Lavender blushed.

"I wish… uhh..." Lavender looked at Harry with a blush on her face. "She's just been nice lately. Since she found me…" He looked at her curiously but let it go.

"I hope it works out. I'm guessing you want something more than friendship from that quick answer." Lavender nodded blushing once again.

"Yeah, me to." He smiled and nodded before he got up and left down the corridor. Lavenders' eyes gazing after him in curiosity.

A/n I hope people liked this. Right I'm not sure how but I'm getting my brain in gear and writing the next chapter to suicide! It's annoying me that I left it so long and the other day someone reviewed it and kinda got my brain into action as they said I hadn't updated it in FIVE MONTHS! I can't believe it's been so long! Anywho... Thanks to my reviewers of whom I love... I hope this chapter wasn't too crap... oh and I was away. That's my excuse for not updating :P Though I have been back nearly two weeks since then... I'm lazy, so sue me... wait please don't I'm a lazy bum! I have no money:'( Oh and also the fact fanfic has changed since I last updated and I can't work out how to upload this chapter... but if you're reading this then obviously it worked... :S And sorry but I'm too lazy to do seperate thank yous I will start doing that again next time... maybe... if anyone reviews... anyways... I'm off to hurt Dumbledore... MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA -coughs-


	12. Chapter twelve

Lavender couldn't take it any longer. She watched as Ron tried it on with Hermione again. He touched her thigh and tried to kiss her. Lavender felt herself go crazy. Hermione wasn't something to be touched when drunk! She was a beautiful woman who deserved so much more. She deserved someone to love. Someone like her. She of course said nothing. She instead stood up and walked away. Away from the safety of the tower. Away from her life all together. For tonight she knew she wouldn't have to cope with all the stresses of the world. Not only was Harry miserable and really edgy about Draco being anywhere near him, Hermione being ruffed up for Ron and her sister still getting hurt at home, now she had to put up with the fact she loved Hermione. She had admired the girl for too long. She knew now that it was way past that. Way past obsession. This was love, love which she knew would not be returned. She ran to the far tower not caring to wipe away her tears. Not caring about anything except to jump.

--

An alarm went off in Harry's head as he saw Lavender run past him. Her face streaked with tears. He thought only for a moment before charging after her. Arriving seconds after her he saw her jump through the open window, he ran to the window and watched as she fell. He quickly charmed her to fall slower, but her body still hit the ground with a great speed. He floated himself out the window and down to the ground beside her. She was still alive. He screamed for help.

--

Lavender had been unconscious two days now. She was alive but they weren't sure if she was ever going to wake up again. Harry and Hermione sat by her bed as much as they could. When Harry wasn't there, the only other place he was would be the tower to cut. Where he'd seen his friend's body hit the ground.

--

_It's probably my fault. I should have been stronger. I should never have turned to suicide or cutting. Too late now though. This very quill is making is marking my skin and is making my blood flow, flows down my stomach. I don't know why but right now I can hear the screams of someone. The screams echo through my mind almost painfully begging me to stop. Sometimes I can feel arms wrap around me and tears fall onto me. Her screams… they seem familiar somewhat like my own I suppose. We are so alike me and her. That's how I feel anyway. I sometimes feel her pain and sorrow. I wish I knew her. I wish I could meet her… _

_It's funny how lately my accounts have become so much like diary accounts instead of stories past. I miss my stories… maybe I should tell about the most recent story I know. It's about a girl I care about. My friend nothing else. Though maybe if I had of turned to her instead of making her get some rest I guess we could have been something else, though that is another story all together. Well this girl I care about. She decided to take her life. She jumped out of a tower window. In fact she jumped out of the very tower I'm sitting in. I had followed her down the corridor. It is lucky she passed my way, as if she had not I may not have stopped her death. She may not forgive her for saving her though. I do not know for she is still unconscious and no one knows if she will ever wake up again. I watched her jump. I think it may have been my fault, I hate that thought. I hate the fact I brought harm to someone even though I never meant to. I feel so guilty about it. I don't know why as I really don't know if I have done anything. I'll still blame me though… it's just my nature to blame myself. My other friend… although I'm still not sure whether to call her that or not as she was not originally a true friend, just someone who pretended, she seems to have taken it nearly as bad as me although I do not know why. I hurt her too. By hurting one friend I hurt another as well… I made her cry. Why am I here when all I do is cause more pain?_

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A/n You will find out who 'her' is... maybe in the next chapter... Uh, I hope you like this chapter :) 


	13. Chapter thirteen

"Hello Katrina." The girl glared up at the man. She stood up and stalked out of her common room into her bedroom which he was not allowed to enter. She felt perfectly murderous tonight and it was his entire fault.

The man sighed and walked out of the room and stalked off back to his office muttering something about 'female hormones' and how 'she'll cool down later.' He knew he was kidding himself on that front. She was a very fiery young lady.

Everyone thought she was dead. Thought she had died along with her mother when she'd been killed by her 'uncle.' She had been living with her uncle Albus since she could remember. She knew she had her mother and father and twin brother before that. She knew that two of them were still alive, but her uncle kept her here saying it was for the best. He took care of her well enough, but she knew what he did. She knew about his manipulations and his want of power. She knew she lived at Hogwarts. She knew both her father and twin were there too, but he had his ways… he had his ways of making sure they could never meet. She could watch as her brother turned to the knife, cutting his arms, used the quill to write deeply into his own flesh and watched as her brother became more and more depressed. He'd been denied lessons with Dumbledore. She'd watched him ask for Albus to help him when Severus had yelled at him. Dumbledore denied him and told him he hadn't the time. She watched as the glimmer of hope disappeared in his dull eyes. She did that to her brother she knew that much, Albus taught her everything. A strong charm, keeping people from; seeing, hearing, in the case of creatures like werewolves smelling her and in general anyone one feeling her. She was basically a ghost child. She would try to make her brother hear her though. Scream at him to stop him cutting, beg and plead with him. She would cling to him as he sat there. Sometimes he would cry. She always cried. He didn't know she was there but sometimes, just sometimes, she was sure he felt her there… just sometimes…

--

_I've had thoughts about my cutting lately and I realised I never told my tale of how I started to cut. Well I did in a way, but 'FREAK' was not the first ever cut, merely my first deep cuts, my first was much younger. I first cut in my junior school. Actually in the school after a morning of 'freak hunting' I hid in the art department, under one of the desks in the corner. I was so small no one saw me as lessons came and went a drawing pin rolled beside me. I picked in up. Forgetting I was holding it, I fell asleep but minutes later a woke up with a yelp of pain, luckily the class was loud and hadn't heard me, my hand was bleeding from the stab of this small drawing pin. I pulled the pin across my hand which made them bleed slightly in patterns, it seemed almost to take away my pain and I felt myself become alive. I could feel. I loved it, the pin became my friend, and I took it everywhere, small cuts, small scars which faded away with my past, no one saw them when I came to Hogwarts, they had all faded and gone and with the drawing pin left behind, a small part of me was left with it, until I picked up the knife and pulled it across my flesh and watched as my blood left the cut, the coppery smell intoxicating. God I had missed that feeling, but now I have it back, and I'm sure it won't be leaving me anytime soon. _

--

Harry, once back in the infirmary, watched Lavender sleep peacefully. She looked small and pale just lying there. Softly her chest rose and fell rhythmically. Harry let the guilt seep into him as he watched her. He looked up at her Hermione who smiled slightly at him and then she looked back at Lavender. Tears fell down Hermione's cheeks, she was trying to put on a brave face but it wasn't really paying off. Harry stood up and walked round to Hermione's side and placed an arm softly around her. She smiled again gratefully before going into huge sobs. They both felt guilty, both felt it was there fault, neither voicing how they felt. Harry knew he shouldn't have left her on her own all that time, he knew she was mad but he knew he should have looked after her during that time, explained sooner. Helped her… She had told him she was ok when he asked, after they had finally become friends again. He'd believed her, so had Hermione. They both felt they should have known better, but neither believed she would ever be this close to death.

Hermione felt it was her fault, she should have expected it. Her guilt worsened as she pictured Lavender's bleeding wrists. It was about a month ago but still the picture was imbedded into her mind. The day Harry had talked to Malfoy and run off, the day she had left Lavender to find Harry, the day with the snowfall of falling paper which never left her mind, the day she had first started falling for Lavender…

--

A/n... I don't like it... I think I may be trying to do TOO many things with it? Review and tell me if that's what you think...

Thank you too all my lovely reviewers! And the mean ones who threaten me if I don't write -cries-


	14. Chapter Fourteen

Draco held onto the small piece of paper tightly watching the picture move. A newspaper cutting. One of Harry from not long ago, Draco's glimmer of hope. Not that Draco could get near Harry. Harry would run way before he got anywhere close. He felt like he was nothing. He wanted so much to help Harry but couldn't as Harry wouldn't allow it. Draco couldn't ask his friends for advise as they'd think him to be crazy. Help the enemy? No way! They all now knew of Harry's heritage of course but none felt like being buddy buddy with the boy who lived!

So now Draco sat holding this photo just wishing he could somehow find a way to talk to Harry. He didn't know what caused Harry to run off that night. He just watched as Harry said that he should go and that they shouldn't be doing that. Draco saw himself grab Harry's wrist then Harry looked spooked and tried to run, ever since Harry ran off that night he had felt incomplete. He felt he needed Harry.

--

Katrina sighed. She hated these nights, alone in the tower watching her brother, not being able to do anything. He didn't know she watched though, how could he when he didn't even know she existed? She really hated Dumbledore. Really; really hated him she wanted to kill him, anger boiled within her, but she knew she wouldn't. She'd be just like Dumbledore if she did. Also he was her only chance of being seen.

Harry slowly drifted off into unconsciousness. Katrina was ready. When she was younger she used to scream, cry and beg for him to stop. When he cried she'd wrap her arms around him, but always, she would always heal him. In his unconscious state, he didn't know she was there so she could touch him. She healed his cuts, had done since she'd first see him do it in his fifth year.

When she'd finished she stood up quietly leaving him there, she took the knife and quill wondering why she'd never thought of it before. She quickly wrote a letter to her brother, willing him to see it when he left. Not knowing if she had been spelled not even to be seen by written works.

After, she left the room silently. Dumbledore stood glaring as he noticed the knife in her hand, one 'Sirius' had given to Harry but he backed away from her. He knew better than to question the young woman.

--

Sighing unhappily, Harry stood from the floor. Once again healthy and healed. Dried blood cracked on his skin other than that he would pass for being perfectly healed. He looked around for his knife and quill but saw neither. His heart skipped a beat as he frantically searched finding nothing; he ignored the paper sat on the floor assuming it was what he had written. Forgetting he hadn't written anything the night before.

He fell to the floor and wept. Someone had taken his knife, his saviour. Something he needed. _It was him…_ Harry thought. _He wanted to hurt you… and now he has… I told you; you shouldn't have told him… you're an idiot. _He wanted the knife back, but he couldn't face Draco. He just couldn't, he'd need to find a replacement knife, without being found, the knives in the kitchen he knewwere counted. He didn't know if he could last until the next Hogsmead visit to buy a new one, his release was pain and without pain… he was sure to have a mental breakdown. He needed it. Harry wept, and didn't stop until he had no tears left within him. He wept for the loss of a friend.

--

A groaning came from the bed. Hermione looked up suddenly from staring down at the floor, Lavender stared up at Hermione. Hermione grinned, and stroked Lavender's hair.

"I'm so glad you're awake. I was so worried…" Lavender tried to sit up but Hermione held her down. "You should lie down; you're not strong enough to … to get up. Merlin Lav… why did you do that? I thought, I thought I'd lost you. I was so scared. That I wouldn't, wouldn't get the chance to tell you how I feel… I" The door slammed open and a tearful Harry walked in, looking up he saw Lavender awake and a small smile of relief crossed his features. He went over to her and took her hand and kissed it softly.

"I hope you're not mad I saved you, but I couldn't lose one of my best friends… I know that's selfish but I couldn't know… that I'd just let you. Oh Hon, why'd you do it?" Lavender tried to talk but her throat was too dry, Harry helped her sit up, with a glare from Hermione, and handed her a glass of water and she smiled slightly with gratitude. Taking a small sip of water, she started to talk.

"I, well I… I" Looking up at Hermione, she blushed. "I fell in love with Hermione. Ron was… well you know… and I couldn't look at it any longer… Harry's depressed… and then my sister is at home with that maniac… I couldn't take it all… there's so much and… and I couldn't take it…" She sobbed, her hands covering her face in shame. Harry and Hermione wrapt around her in embrace. Pulling Lavender's hair behind her ear, Hermione whispered into it.

"I love you too."

--

a/n again not the best I've done, but I needed to update, I decieded I disliked where I was going with this fiction, so I've changed it a wee bit... the ending anyways, not anything I've done so far! I am also determined to update, suicide, so NEVER FEAR! TeeHee... Please review.


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